It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World, and a Pre-Race Mantra

FIRST, the mantra for tomorrow’s Rock the Parkway half marathon (the first in my Heartland 39.3 Challenge of 3 half marathons in 5 weeks)–it’s very short and goes like this—

Don’t shoot out of the gate like a freak.

That’s it, really.  I like to keep it simple.

I am hydrating and mildly carb-loading…more than I need to for a half marathon, but why stop something that’s so enjoyable?  I also have been watching the weather obsessively while debating what to wear.  Unfortunately, it has progressed from “should I wear a long-sleeved layer and end up hot?” to temps in the high 50s to start (with plenty ‘o sun) and up to the mid 60s by the time I fist pump my way across the finish line with a new PR of anywhere under 1:52 (the Nuun must be making me delirious.)  It shall be full on Sun’s Out Guns Out weather, which is great for decision making but not so good for racing.

At least we won’t all freeze, right?

I am obviously excited for tomorrow’s half.  I had made a personal goal at the start of the year that I would break the 1:50 barrier this year (my PR is 1:52.)  I figured I would have the best chance in the fall, but now that I made it into the NYC Marathon, I am realizing that tomorrow’s race will be my best chance at meeting that goal.  Do I think it’s realistic?  Not really…I just don’t think I’m there.  So I am going to shoot for a PR instead and hope for the best, but I really do want to focus more on enjoying the race, since my last half marathon was so damn fun because I ran it with no expectations and actually had a negative split for the first time ever (wow, what a difference it made in my joie de vivre!)

Am I rambling?  I feel like I’m rambling…

Anyhoo, I hope to PR, I will probably piss myself if I break 1:50, I will shit myself if I lose to HH but also will be ecstatic, and I really hope to enjoy myself as a bonus (usually I hit the seventh circle of hell around Mile 11 in these things and spend Miles 12-13 listing out the reasons why I will never race again.)

Second, I have to share a personal story that is part embarrassing, part too-funny-not-to-admit (and no, honey, not the story where I ran out of gas the other morning and you had to come bail me out!) 

So I’ve been breaking out with acne lately…at 41.  Yes, it’s a joy running around town with zits and wrinkles.  I’m sure you can imagine my happiness.

I thought it was maybe from running and sweating and applying so much sunscreen (remember that the sun is not your friend, peeps, and slather on a broad spectrum SPF.)  Well, I went to see a dermatologist on Wednesday, and she told me that adult female acne is quite common and that I just have “too much testosterone” floating through my body.  Apparently, if I was a man it would attach to my skin and make my beard, but since I’m a woman it just attaches to receptors and causes acne.  

I was simultaneously horrified and salivating at the comedic aspect.  First, I have decided that my new rap name shall be Heavy T. From now on, please refer to me as such.  I also preface all statements to HH with, “This may be the testosterone talking, but…”, and I scratch myself regularly.

The lovely and ultra-feminine PA went on to describe the medicine I need to take and asked me if I was okay with it, since it’s technically a diuretic which might cause my already low blood pressure to crash more severely.  I simply grunted and shook her hand with my big meaty paw.

Then yesterday, I went to pick up my race packet and noticed on my printed registration receipt that I was listed as a male.  Seriously?  What gives?  People, I am not a man!  I shall seriously be wearing pink for the next few months until I once again feel confident in my femininity.  

I made sure to get it straightened out in the system, ‘cuz you know I check my gender stats every race to see where I stack up.  Hopefully it is fixed for all three races.

As a bonus for sticking with me for this long post, here is a list of my favorite second-half race songs…I am torn between calling them Negative Split Songs or Spastic Songs for Speed.  Regardless, these songs help me crank up my pace, so if you’re looking for new tunes, maybe you’ll find one here in this not-so-original list!

Happy running!





19 thoughts on “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World, and a Pre-Race Mantra

  1. That’s my mantra too! I laughed so hard at this whole post. I’m glad you straighted out your gender with the race, but I also think it would’ve been pretty hilarious if you ended up placing in one of the men’s races – that could’ve caused some confustion 🙂 Good luck with your race(s)!!


  2. Good luck tomorrow! Once, my husband and I ran a race where they had him listed as a female… and they had listed his name as Benito (it’s Ben, so close, I guess). I enjoyed that thoroughly.


  3. haha, I like you, you’re funny. But please don’t challenge me to arm wrestle, I don’t want to lose to someone with so much testosterone! Haha! Seriously, good luck on your race! I hope you win the male division! 😉


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