Step One: get up late on what is predicted to be the hottest day of the year. You don’t want to get out there too early when the temperatures are low. Remember, you’re stupid.
Step Two: take an hour or two to sit on your butt. It’s summer, after all! Play with the dogs, catch up on the internet, watch Lego Star Wars: The Yoda Chronicles with your kids and read the paper as the morning hours pass. Start a load of laundry so that you can feel productive. None of these things could be done during the heat of the afternoon.
Step Three: get hungry early. Tell yourself around 10:45 that you are simply too famished to go get dressed and squeeze a run in pre-lunch. Donger need food! Fix a big Curry Chicken Salad sandwich on a fattening croissant (be sure to lick the crumbs off your fingers.)
Step Four: Regret the croissant. Grab your belly fat with your hands, shake it around a bit and commit to a run as soon as you digest. Forget your commitment (and the laundry) as you cover Chapters 4-5 in Blockwick (your new favorite iPhone game since you got stuck on Level 56 in Candy Crush.)
Step Five: Head out around 2:00, when the temperature finally reaches 95 degrees. Tell yourself for the first mile that it’s not so bad.
Step Six: Get agitated around 1.5 miles in when the heat starts to get to you. Run faster because you’re miserable, and hey, isn’t it helpful to run tempo pace in the heat? Start repeating, “Ain’t so bad! Ain’t so bad!” in your best Rocky voice as you reach a semi-delirious state typically reached only in the desert.
Step Seven: Try out some hills in your third mile, because you’re stupid and chose a route that was downhill on the way out and uphill on the return. Hold in your vomit as you pass the country club pool. That would be embarrassing, after all.
Step Eight: Bail at 2.7 miles into the run when you realize that you are near death. Walk home cursing yourself. Blog your experience to the world!
What I’m running to: The Stars Are Ours by Mayer Hawthorne. Has a great Steely Dan vibe and fabulous lyrics. Just a great feel-good song–love it!