Something gross this way runs…

After stalling, eating, writing a blog post that made me look like a paid product endorser/brand slut, eating some more and then catching up on my celebrity gossip, I strapped on my new gear and my stalwart orthotics and hit the road last Friday for my 11-mile long run.

It was the embodiment of all things gross about running.  Now don’t get me wrong…it was a success.  I kept my pace nice and slow, averaging 10:24 for the distance (in fact, I had to work harder and harder as the miles progressed not to speed up because it felt so good).  My knees and arches hurt toward the end of the run, but never in a bad way.  That part was great.  My body cooperated, and my PF stayed under control.

My bodily functions did not.

First, the phlegm.  My God, the phlegm.  The snot.  Thin, thick, and pervasive.  It tortured me.  Why do long runs always kick up so much snot?  Does anyone else have a solution to this problem OTHER than the snot rocket?  When I am running at a comfortable pace, I still have to breathe through my mouth because I always have so much snot in my nose.  Friday’s run was the worst, because it was thinned out enough to constantly drip down my nose.  I’d rather it stay thick so it would drain.

All I could hear through my tunes were my feet slapping the ground punctuated by long nose slurps as I tried to sniff it all back in…to no avail.

Slap, slap, sniff!  Slap, slap, sniff!  It’s hard to find your inner peace and hit that runner’s high when all you keep doing is sniffing snot back up your nose.

I wish I could be like those runners who can blow the perfect snot rocket.  Dare I dream?  Nah…I’ve tried before and ended up with snot on my shirt.  I’m just not capable.  But I do wonder how other runners deal with all the congestion that running generates, and I get a little bit sick of it.  I wonder if I should try to take a Sudafed or allergy medicine before long runs (any input appreciated!).

(Source: http://blumeworld.blogspot.com/)

What’s worse than snot rockets?  Say it with me, Moms…incontinence while running.

Yep.  I admit it.  After two kids, running more than about 5 miles creates issues.  Running 11 causes more issues.  CrossFit workouts have been known to cause issues as well…I am the gal who screams “Wait!  Let me run to the bathroom!” right before the clock starts on the WOD.

Without going into much more detail, let’s just say my Poise pad lacerated the inside part of my ass (and really, after a sentence like that, is any more detail necessary?).  Ladies, make sure you place those things properly before heading out on long runs, as the edges can be quite sharp.  It can make all the difference!

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But wait—there’s more!  I almost choked to death on an energy chew.  Chewing goopy thick pieces of chew while sniffing back snot (what wasn’t already draining down the back of my throat) while breathing through Mile 7 was a disgusting experience.  I started to choke and actually threw up a little bit up into my nose.

Ick.

I think I’ll stick to the Gatorade G Series Carb Energy chews.  They seem to work okay, as I can chew them without choking or getting the dreaded stomach upset (you know, that feeling when your bowels suddenly drop off a cliff and you go from comfortable to full-body sweat in the span of 3-5 seconds.  Maybe you don’t know.  Maybe it’s just me).

Finally, and this isn’t gross, just embarrassing, I was running down a busy street when my right elbow reached back far enough to accidentally touch my new hydration belt, which was actually so comfortable and bounce-free that I’d forgotten I had it on.  Since I had FORGOTTEN I was even wearing it, I thought that someone had come up behind me and was that close to me, causing me to scream and jump up into the air like I was being attacked.

Hopefully no one noticed.

At least my aches and pains weren’t anything that couldn’t be taken care of by ice, a long shower, and a nice (read: large) glass of wine with the family later that evening.  The marathon dream is still alive.

As for TiffeeG, she is scheduled for her next Remicade treatment next Tuesday, so I hope to have some positive news to share soon!  She and I met at one of our favorite lunch spots yesterday for a belated birthday lunch, and the lovely woman who always used to ring us up before I moved to Switzerland was there.  I hadn’t seen her in three years!  She brought us a free cupcake because she said she loved us.  So sweet, and it was so nice to be at lunch with my sister.  It reminded me that although I miss my Swiss friends terribly, I am right where I need and want to be right now.

Back with more tomorrow…I’m thinking of an 80s flashback running playlist for this week’s Work It Out Wednesday.  Maybe I’ll dig out my old Lionel Richie one-shouldered sweatshirt for inspiration.  I can almost feel my hair curling back into a spiral perm.

Until then, thanks for reading, and happy running, happy day, and loads of good wishes for you!

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8 thoughts on “Something gross this way runs…

  1. I am new to running and I am so happy to read your blog! You crack me up and keep me up on what I have to look forward to! Thanks so much for sharing all your personal stories! I love Tiff and I am sure I would love you too! Thank you again for doing all that you are doing for ALL of us!

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  2. I can relate to SO many moments in this awesome post! The scare your hydration pack gave your had me really laughing; I could just imagine what that looked like. HA! Well written.

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  3. Ah I love this!!! I, too, like to be open and real about things that make some folks cringe…it’s refreshing, isn’t it? Even when it’s gross??

    Fright by imaginary accoster is no joke. But I giggled anyway.

    And 80s flashback? I think yes. I, too, lapsed back there a month or so ago on a blog post…if you join me we can be Lionel buddies;)

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  4. Well incontinence is never good my dear, sticking to the all black attire from the waist down is your best bet.

    Picturing you freaking out on your hydration bottle is more than I can take. Seriously, you are the funniest woman alive. I am one lucky girl to have you for a sister. Thanks for all the laughter you bring to my life.

    Headed to ITunes again to make some purchases!

    Keep it up, you are amazeballs!

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